Favourite scar
by MariaW93
Summary: Harry attempts suicide after Sirius dies and falls into a coma for three years, what will happen when he wakes up? Warning: story contains suicide attempt, cutting, self harm, slash, HP/DM. Triggering. Oh, and I'm not good with summaries. Just try it out please. PS: I've done some editing to the story because of some rewiews I've gotten. Hope it's a little better now )
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. All characters belong to J.K. Rowling, Warner Bros., Bloomsbury, and Scholastic, respectively. All original characters are products of the author, as is the premise and plot. Copyright infringement is not intended and I make no money from posting this story.

AN: Hi, so this is my first fanfiction ever x) It would be great if you would comment on how i'm doing. Also I don't have a beta so there might be mistakes, sorry about that.

Warning: Story contains self-harm, suicide attempt, slash (later) and strong language.

Chapter 1 - Waking up

It had all happened so fast. Harry had just left Dumbledores office after thrashing the whole thing. He wanted to break things, ruin it. He wanted to stop hurting the way he did.

Harry had been possessed by Voldemort earlier that day. He had learned a lot about Voldemort in that short time. He knew that Voldemort wasn't whole. He had split his soul. Harry also knew that it was his pain, the pain Dumbledore told Harry was what made him human, was what made Voldemort leave his body. But Harry knew that the same pain could also be used to hold Voldemort in.

Harry had made his way to the prefects bathroom before he even knew what his plan was. He used the password Ron had given him and entered. He filled the tub while he thought. He wouldn't go back to the Dursleys, he refused to have another summer where no one cared. He refused to let more people die for him. Harry wanted to die, and he wanted Voldemort to die. If Harry was going to kill himself he was going to bring Voldemort with him.

It was perfect, Harry could kill himself and people would think he did it just to kill Voldemort. No one would think he did it because he was depressed. Because he had spent every single day of his life hating himself, wishing he could be good enough. Wishing he was loved by his family, hoping he could be the hero everyone needed him to be.

Harry got in the bathtub, that was more like a small pool. He could feel Voldemort in his head, that was all a part of his plan. He supposed he should have known that there was a small part of Voldemort in him. He had been sharing his feelings for over a year after all.

Harry used his wand to tie himself to the bottom of the small pool. He knew he didn't have much time now. There was no way to free himself, and he needed to bring Voldemort with him. He started searching with his mind.

First he found a part of Voldemort that was hidden in a cup, in a vault. Harry assumed it was in Gringotts. He pulled the part to him, into his mind. Then there was another part, that was close, here in the school. It was in a room Harry had never seen before, the soul was in a crown of sorts. Harry pulled this part to him as well. Then the part that was hidden in a ring, buried in an old house. He could feel Voldemort noticing now, and fighting. Voldemort got stronger and stronger in Harrys head for each part he pulled towards him.

Harry was fighting hard to keep him in. The next part was in Voldemorts snake, Nagini. That explained why it was always so faithful to Voldemort, it was part of him. Voldemort was really fighting now. Harry was getting weak and dizzy from the lack of air. His body was fighting to take a breath, and burning in pain from having Voldemort inside his head. The next part was in a locket, in Sirius's house.

Pain shot through Harry, not physical, but emotional. The pain threatened to let Voldemort escape, but Harry used it instead. He used it to make a prison for Voldemort inside his head. He used his last strength to pull the last part of the soul to him. The part that was in Voldemort himself. He now had all of Voldemort inside his body.

Voldemort tried to escape, but he couldn't. He was trapped inside the prison Harry had made. Harry smiled, finally, he could rest. He let his body do what it wanted and took a breath. Water filled his lungs. He tried to couch but that just pulled in more water. Black spots where filling his vision, growing larger and larger. Harry assumed there was pain, but it paled next to the pain of having Voldemort inside him, and the pain of knowing Sirius was gone. The last thought Harry had before he blacked out was that he was going to see his parents and Sirius again.

Harry woke up in a soft bed, was this how heaven worked then? He felt rested, and his body didn't hurt. The emotional pain was still there though. Something was wrong. Harry needed to see Sirius and his parents. Harry opened his eyes, and he was staring at a white roof.

Harry looked around the room and realised he was in St. Mungo's. Harry sat up, no, no, no, no, NO! Why was he here, why was he alive? He was supposed to have died. He searched his head and found no trace of Voldemort, so at least he had succeeded in killing him. That however, meant that Harry had been dead. He had died, and someone had found him and brought him back to life. This was horrible, really, really horrible.

Harry did some quick thinking. He needed to convince everybody that he was happy to be alive. That the only reason he was trying to kill himself was to kill Voldemort. If he could make people believe that, then he could try again. He could die and join Sirius and his parents.

"Hello? Anybody there?" Harry called out.

He needed to get out of this hospital. A nurse came running in. She looked shocked. "You're... you're awake?!"

Harry sighed. "Yes well obviously I'm awake, I'm sitting here talking to you right?"

The nurse just continued to stare at Harry. It suddenly occurred to Harry that he might have been out of it for some time.

"How long have i been out?" Harry could see that the nurse was trying to gather herself.

"I really think you should see your doctor. I'll call for him." She said, eyes shooting towards the door.

Harry was suddenly angry, why wouldn't she answer him? "NO! How long have I been out?"

The nurse was looking nervous now. Harry had seen her draw her wand, probably to call the doctor.

"ANSWER ME!" Harry yelled it out, before he even realised it himself.

"Three years, you're 18 now. You have been in a coma for three years. We didn't think you would ever wake up." The nurse blurted it all out and waited nervously for Harrys reaction.

The information silenced Harry. He had been in a coma for three years? He didn't feel like he had been in a coma, but then again, he was in a magic hospital. They probably had ways to feed him and keep his muscles in shape. Harry didn't feel any different, but then again, he had never really been a «kid», he supposed 18 fit better with his personality. He had been forced to grow up really fast because of Voldemort. And besides, Harry reminded himself. It didn't matter, because he wouldn't be alive long anyway.

Suddenly a healer came barging in, taking out his wand on his way to Harrys bed. He started running all sorts of checks on Harry. While explaining to him, that he was in tip-top shape, and that he had been in a coma because he had suffered a lack of oxygen. He then asked Harry if he remembered what had happened and Harry assured him that he did remember. The healer asked him to inform him when he was ready to talk to some aurors.

"What do you mean? Why do I have to talk to them?" Harry was confused. He didn't understand what aurors had to do with his suicide attempt.

"They just have some questions about what happened to you," the healer said. Harry was annoyed again, no one ever answered his questions.

"We have notified your friends that you're awake, and I'm sure they will be here any second now." His healer said reassuringly.

Ok, Harry thought, this was the moment to convince his friends that he hadn't tried to kill himself, he had only tried to kill Voldemort. He was just bracing himself, getting ready to fake his usual smile when he heard Hermione's voice.

"Harry, HARRY. Let me through, let me see him! I don't want to hear about all of that stuff. I just want to see Harry!" It was so typical of Hermione to yell like that when she was stressed.

Harry heard some feeble attempts by the nurses outside to keep her out, and then she came barging through the doors.

"Harry!" Hermione called out in glee and threw herself at him.

"Hermione careful, he only just woke up." Harry looked up to see Ron standing in the doorway. He sent him a grin before being ambushed by Hermione again.

"Harry, how are you?" she asked as she let go of Harry and sat down at the side of his bed.

"I'm great," Harry grinned "I'm alive".

Harry had a lot of practice with faking doing it now wasn't really as big a problem as he had first thought.

"Harry, we need your help! They think Malfoy tried to kill you. They think that he tried to drown you, and that Voldemort just dropped dead by coincidence. That's not true is it? You scarified yourself to kill Voldemort? Right Harry?" Hermione was babbling, but Harry thought he got the most important parts out of it.

"What!? They think Malfoy tried to kill me? Why? And yes, I did sacrifice myself to kill Voldemort, I realised I could do that when he possessed me. But really, people think Malfoy tried to kill me?" Hermione smiled like she always did when she got something right.

"He came into the prefects bathroom and found you tied to the bottom of the pool. He untied you and dragged you out. He then did CPR until someone came to help. People think he tried to kill you, and just cowered out at the last second. He's in Azkaban. He's been there for three years. Thank Merlin they got rid of the dementors after Voldemort died!" At this point Hermione had to stop to take a breath, witch Ron took to his advantage.

"Hermione, love, you're overloading him. He just woke up." Ron came over to Harry and hugged him.

"Love?" Harry said with a small smile. Ron turned red.

"Yeah, well we're kinda, sortof, together, you know." Ron mumbled, taking a sudden interest in his shoes.

Harry grinned at him. "Congrats mate!"

Ron looked relieved at Harrys reaction, then he and Hermione shared a lovestruck look. Harry could almost see the tiny hearts floating around their heads. Harry pushed the button the doctor had told him to push if he needed something earlier. A few seconds later a nurse came in.

"I need my wand, some clothes, and I want to talk to the aurors." Harry was very clear, and to the point. He needed to fix this before he died. He couldn't let Malfoy suffer for this.

The nurse looked hesitant. "The doctor said I was fine, so surely I can have my clothes!" Harry told her, the nurse just nodded and left the room.

"I need to fix this! Malfoy saved my life, and they imprisoned him? What's wrong with people?" Harry asked Hermione.

Harry wasn't particularly pleased with being saved, but it was still a nice thing to do. And it was Malfoy, Harry always thought Malfoy hated him. Hermione looked sad.

"I know Harry, I know. Me, the Weasleys and Dumbledore tried to defend him, but the rest of the world is convinced. The only reason he's still alive is because they need you to confirm that he did try to kill you." Harry was angry, something was seriously wrong with people. "Well then they will be disappointed!" he said grimly.

Ron and Hermione had stayed for a few hours, telling Harry about what else he had missed in his three years of coma. They had both graduated Hogwarts. Hermione had gotten a job in the ministry of magic. This had first angered Harry, but he then realised that they really needed some good people in that place.

Ron was studying to become an auror. He said it was hard, but he really enjoyed it. Other than that Harry hadn't missed much. They told him that Ginny was engaged to Dean, and then that Cho was dating this quidditch player. It looked like they wanted some reaction from Harry on the last one, but he didn't mind. He had never really liked Cho anyway, he just really tried to like her, so he could be normal.

After his friends left Harry slept for a few hours (he didn't think that would be possible after sleeping for three years), and then he was woken up by a nurse, telling him the aurors where there. She gave him some robes, and then told him the aurors was waiting in a conference room next to his room.

Harry stood up, and the world started spinning. Ok, getting up that fast after lying for three years was a bad idea. He waited for the world to stop spinning and then tried to stand again, this time a lot slower. That helped. He put his robes on, and slowly walked to the conference room. There where four aurors there, all with grim looks on their faces. Harry hadn't seen any of them before.

"Hi Harry, I'm auror Thompson. This is aurors Skillet, Rolstein and Twixter. Now, we don't need you to tell us all about this traumatic thing that happened to you, we believe we have most of the details in order." Thompson took a deep breath. "But we do need us to confirm who did this to you."

Harry looked Thompson in the eye, as he seemed to be in charge. "I did this to myself. I realised that if I died, I could take Voldemort with me, so I sacrificed myself."

Harry hated saying that, that he sacrificed himself. He had wanted to die, but no one could know that. The four aurors looked shocked.

"I understand that Draco Malfoy was blamed for this, that is wrong. In fact, Malfoy is the reason I'm still alive. You will release him, and offer a public apology, telling the world what really happened. Is that understood?" Harry felt weird using authority like that, but he knew he could. He was the boy who lived! The aurors stood.

"Yes of course mister Potter, at once mister Potter." They hurried out of the room faster than Harry could have said quidditch.

Back in his room Harry was thinking, now that he had sorted that, he was free to die. Except he wasn't, not really. The first time he had attempted, no one knew he wanted to die. This time everyone would know. Could he do that to the people he loved? They would feel so guilty for not noticing. So guilty for not saving him. Harry figured he wasn't worth that, he couldn't let people hurt, just for him to be happy. He didn't deserve to be happy. His parents and Sirius had died because of him, it was his fault. Why would they even want to meet him again? No, Harry couldn't kill himself, because he didn't deserve that freedom.

But Harry needed to escape this pain, the emotional pain. He couldn't deal with it. On the nightstand next to him was a pair of scissors, probably something Hermione had used to cut his hair. She liked to do that the muggle way. Harry remembered the pain he had suffered his entire life. How he had welcomed Vernon hitting him, because then he could focus on the pain, and not the hurting words. Harry grabbed the scissors and drew his robe back. He had seen someone do this in a muggle movie Dudley had watched once. He needed to see if it worked, he needed something that worked.

Harry pressed the scissors to his arm and pulled .There was pain, not much, but enough to let Harry focus on that, to allow him to let go of the painful thoughts. Some small drops of blood appeared, but it wasn't a deep cut, more like a scrape. Harry smiled, a real genuine smile. This really worked. He put some paper on the cut and fell asleep again.

Harry woke up, first he didn't know what woke him, but then he realised someone was stroking his hair. He opened his eyes and the hand quickly disappeared. He looked to the side to see who was there, and it was Malfoy.

"Potter, I just wanted to say thank you, for getting me out of that horrible place. I really thought I'd spend the rest of my life there" Malfoy looked happy, his green eyes where shining. Harry couldn't really stop looking into them.

Malfoy shifted uncomfortably and Harry realised what he was doing. He immediately stopped and looked at his hands.

"Er, yeah, you don't have to thank me, you saved my life. I should be thanking you!" He said.

Malfoy smiled sadly. "Except you won't thank me, will you? Because you didn't want to be saved, you wanted to die."

Harry looked shocked at Malfoy, how had he known that?

"What, no, I didn't want to die. I wanted to kill Voldemort." Harry protested.

"We both know you could have done that without dying, Harry. I know what it's like. You were trying to kill yourself." Harry was to shocked to answer.

Malfoy had said his name, not Potter, but Harry. He also knew, he KNEW, and he said he knew how it felt. Had he wanted to die to?

"Don't worry Harry, I won't tell anyone, as long as you promise not to do it again. I don't really fancy another stay at Azkaban." Malfoy smiled a little.

"You called me Harry," was all Harry could say.

"Well that is your name, isn't it?" Malfoy said, a little amused.

"Yeah, but you always call me Potter." Harry was implying a question, but Draco didn't really answer it.

"I think saving your life gives me the right to use your first name, don't you?" Harry smiled, and looked into the shining grey eyes again.

"Yeah, I guess so. Thanks Draco. For saving my life." Draco smiled, and Harry tried very hard not to notice how beautiful it made him look. He had never seen a genuine smile on Draco's face.

"So what will you do now?" Harry asked. "You must have missed the last two years of Hogwarts because of me, right?" Draco looked a little sad at this.

"Yeah well, Dumbledore believed me all along, and he promised me that when I got out I had a place waiting for me at Hogwarts. It will kinda suck though, to be all alone in the sixth year classes."

An idea occurred to Harry, he didn't really have anything to do, or anywhere to stay, so why not go back to Hogwarts?

"Well, if you want, I can come with you" He offered, a little nervous that Draco would yell about rather being alone than with him. No such thing happened though, instead Draco smiled.

"That would be amazing Harry. I guess I'll see you in two weeks when the year starts then." Draco got up to leave, and Harry realised it had gotten quite late.

"You've really changed, haven't you?" he asked. Draco just smiled secretly. "Yeah, I guess I did." Draco said as he walked through the doors to Harrys room.

One week later Harry was free to leave the hospital. He had spent every waking moment thinking about how much Draco had changed. The thought was really stressful, Harry shouldn't be thinking that much about Draco, Harry wasn't a freak.

Harrys arm now had a nice row of cuts, thanks to the scissors someone had left him. He knew he shouldn't be cutting himself, but he really didn't care. All he wanted was to not be in so much pain, and it was working. Harry took all the pain and anger he felt out on himself, and that way he didn't need to feel it.

When he was discharged from the hospital Harry didn't really know where to go. He had arranged with Dumbledore that he would start Hogwarts next week, but he still needed somewhere to stay until that. Ron and Hermione had offered to take him in, but he didn't want to impose on them. There was no way he was going back to the Dursleys or Grimmauld place.

Harry stood there with his school suitcase that held all his belongings, and it hit him that he had money. He had quite a lot of money. He could buy a place to live. Nothing big, just a small flat. Something that was his, somewhere he could be alone when he wanted to. He didn't want to live in central wizard London, he was still too famous among wizards, but he didn't want to live in a muggle place either.

Harry made his way to a real-estate shop in Diagon alley and made his wishes clear. Not to central, not to distant, and he wanted to move in on the day. They found him a place an hour later, furnished and all. It was perfect. Ten minutes walking distance from Diagon alley, but it was kind of a back alley, so he wouldn't be disturbed.

He figured they probably found him the place so fast because he was Harry Potter, well that and the fact that he probably paid way to much for the small flat. Harry didn't care though.

While Harry was in the bank paying for the flat, he exchanged some wizard money to muggle money. He had seen a small store right by the flat, and he wanted to be able to shop there. Harry entered his flat and sighed at the dust that covered it, it then hit him that he was 18 now. So he was old enough to use magic outside of school. He threw some spells around and soon the place looked good as new, or well, it looked clean.

Harry then went to the shop to get himself some food and other supplies. He needed to shave and clean his hair. He hadn't done either since he woke up two weeks ago. Harry figured he looked much like a hobo. Harry took his time choosing a good razor to shave with, and then some good blades. He stood there marveling at the sharp edge, wondering what wonderful damage he could do with that. When he had finally chosen some blades, he picked some random groceries and paid for it all.

Safe back in his flat he sat on his new couch and took a blade out of the pack. He played with it for a while, twinning it in his fingers and watching how it reflected the light. He then pulled up his sleeve and made a swift cut. Pain shot through Harry, and oh, it was amazing. Harry moaned with pleasure as all his pain and suffering slipped out along with the blood.

There was more blood now than there had been with the scissors. Not a lot, but more, and Harry loved it. Reveled in it. This was something entirely different to the scissors. The scissors had dulled the pain, the razor took it away. Harry made another cut, slower this time. He wanted to feel his skin rip apart, he wanted to feel every single bit of it.

This time the pain was slower, but somehow deeper. When he lifted the razor his skin split apart. He had never cut that deep before, the scissors where just too dull. Blood dripped out of the cuts and ran down Harry's arm, and it was beautiful. Harry smiled in sick glee. He loved how he could control how he felt, if he was in pain or not. He had never been able to control anything in his life, but this, this he could control.

Harry woke up the next day with a stinging in his arm, first he didn't know what it was from, but then he remembered. Suddenly he felt ashamed. He was cutting himself! Ruining his own body, making himself bleed. How pathetic wasn't that? How utterly pathetic didn't he have to be, to have to resort to cutting.

Harry was stressed and ashamed. No one could ever know, what if someone knew. They would hate him, wouldn't they? No one did this sort of thing, only seriously messed up people did this sort of thing. Harry was terrified of someone knowing, yet all he wanted was for someone to know. To comfort him. To love him despite of the scars and cuts. Maybe he could tell Draco? He knew Harry had attempted suicide, and he didn't judge him. But no, Draco would think Harry was pathetic, wanting even more fame and attention. No one could know, ever! Harrys head was full of stressing thoughts about someone finding out, and the only thing he knew would calm him, was what started the stress in the first place. Cutting.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 - The sorting**

It was a very lonely week for Harry, his friends wanted to come see him, but he insisted he needed time to settle in his new flat. In reality Harry just sat in bed, or on the couch. Staring empty into the air or cutting.

Maybe starting Hogwarts again would be a good thing? He'd have something to fill his days. Harry remembered counting down the days until he could go back to Hogwarts. Now he was dreading it. Dreading having to be around people that treated him like some kind of hero. Harry was no hero.

The days until Hogwarts seemed incredibly long. Like one day lasted for an entire month, yet all the days blended together and the week Harry had to himself was suddenly over. It had felt like one long day. Harry was glad he knew some cleaning charms, or his clothes, bed, couch and bathroom would be full of blood. The cleaning charms could be useful at Hogwarts, because no way was Harry going to stop cutting.

When the first of september arrived Harry packed his bags and left for Kings Cross. His blades was safely hidden inside a pair of old socks. He really should find a better place for them, a nice box or something. He would look for one in Hogsmeade one weekend.

It would be weird, going to Hogwarts without Ron and Hermione. Even Ginny had graduated. He wouldn't really know anyone, except for Draco. If Harry was honest with himself he probably wouldn't have gone to Hogwarts at all if not for Draco. Harry already regretted his decision to go back to school, but he owed it to Draco. His suicide attempt had stolen three years of Draco's life.

Arriving at the station Harry remembered the first time he had been here, how confused and scared he had been, but also hopeful. He was hoping for a better life, and he supposed his life had gotten better, he just hadn't gotten better with it.

Harry realised now that his life was really good. He was a wizard, he had his own flat, he had friends, Voldemort was dead. Realising he had a good life only made Harry feel even more like shit though, he should be happy, but he wasn't. He felt like a spoiled little brat, complaining about nothing at all.

Harry could almost sense his blades, calling for him. This was going to be hard, not being able to cut whenever he wanted to. Hedwig interrupted Harrys internal monologue by making a loud noise. Harry shook his head, trying to clear it. The train would leave in fifteen minutes, he needed to get to the platform.

"Hi Harry" Harry jumped, and turned towards the noise. It was Draco.

"Are you planning on catching the train, or will you just stand here staring into thin air for the rest of the school year?" Draco sounded like his typical mocking self, but Harry could hear the smile in his voice.

Harry smirked back at Draco, and even though it wasn't really a full on smile, it wasn't forced like all the other smiles he shared.

"I guess I got a little lost in my head there, but I can see I'm not the only one that's missing the train if we don't get a move-on."

Both Harry and Draco looked at the clock and realised they had ten minutes to get on the train.

"Well come on then, chosen one." Draco said and started walking.

Harry hated being called the chosen one, but he realised that when it was Draco he didn't really mind. Draco didn't say it in awe, or like he was expecting something marvelous from Harry. It was more like a nickname. Harry followed behind Draco, trying very hard not to stare at his bottom.

Arriving at the wall between platform 9 and 10, Harry wondered where Draco's parents where. Draco had never come alone to the station before, but then again he was an adult now, he could take care himself just fine Harry supposed.

When Harry and Draco entered the station together they got many weird looks. They had all heard that Draco had saved Harry, not tried to kill him. It was still shocking for the students and their families to see them together though, like they where mates. Even the younger years had heard about the famous fighting between the two.

The train honked, bringing everyone out of their daze. Harry and Draco found themselves a compartment that was originally occupied with a couple of first years. They left the compartment seconds after Harry and Draco entered though, and Harry suspected it was due to the murderous look Draco sent their way.

"Do you remember our first train ride to Hogwarts? You where in here with Weasley and I tried to make you become my friend. I suppose I didn't have the best social skills back then." Draco said with a crooked smile.

Harry laughed at that, and it wasn't forced at all. He actually felt alive around Draco.

"If that was how you made friends, then I suppose you're right. I was so nervous on that ride, I didn't know anything about Hogwarts or magic at all. I remember thinking they should have a house for people that felt a little queasy." Draco smiled at that.

"It still amazes me how little you seem to know about the world you live in. And speaking of houses, witch one do you think you will be sorted into? Still a Gryffindork at heart?"

Harry just looked puzzled at Draco, what did he mean sorted? They had already been sorted, why would they be sorted again? Draco sighed.

"You really are ignorant, aren't you? Hogwarts rules state that anyone with an absence of two years or more from Hogwarts is to be resorted upon their return. I think it has something about your personality changing if you're away from your house for too long, so you might fit better in another."

This had Harry thinking, was he still a Gryffindor? Had he ever really been a Gryffindor? He had asked the hat to put him there, maybe he didn't really belong there anymore. And did he even want to belong there? He always felt like he had to prove himself, to be worthy of the Gryffindor house.

"I don't really know where I should be, I'm not really brave, smart, loyal or cunning. They haven't made a house for people that are queasy yet have they?"

Harry didn't know what inspired him to be this honest, he hadn't even told Ron and Hermione this. But he trusted Draco, though he never thought he would say that.

"Harry, you are one of the bravest, smartest, most honest and cunning people I know. Do you remember when you scared the shit out of me with that cloak of yours? That was pretty cunning if you ask me."

Hearing Draco saying those nice things to him warmed Harrys heart. He didn't really believe him, but Draco had still taken the effort to make Harry feel better. Harry could feel himself start to blush, and he immediately wished for the ground to open and swallow him whole.

Then, like a miracle, Draco blushed too. His pale cheeks flooded with blood and became the cutest pink Harry had ever seen. He didn't imagine Draco even had the ability to blush, but when he did he just looked so damn cute! No, Harry shouldn't be thinking that. Draco was a boy, Harry couldn't think of Draco as cute.

What was wrong with Harry lately? Thinking about Draco's smile, eyes, blush, bottom. He shouldn't notice those things. Only gay boys noticed stuff like that in other boys, and Harry wasn't gay. Harry didn't mind people being gay, he really didn't! But he remembered Dudley bullying people for «being disgusting faggots». And there are so many people in the world, what's the chances of Harry being gay?

It didn't even matter, because Draco surely wasn't gay, not that Harry cared about that. Harry needed to stop thinking. He hadn't cut the entire day, and he could feel his skin itching for the blade. His thoughts always took over when he didn't cut in a while. Harry realised he had been lost in thoughts for a while, he looked at Draco again and saw that he had stopped blushing. He was now sitting there watching Harry.

"You get lost in your thoughts a lot, don't you?" He mentioned thoughtfully.

Harry made himself smile "Yeah, well I have a big head. Lots of place to get lost."

Draco looked sad. "You don't have to fake a smile for me Harry, it's ok to not be happy all the time."

Harry was once again shocked by Draco. How did he always know these things?

"In the hospital, you said you knew how it felt. What did you mean by that?" Harry was slightly afraid to ask, but he really wanted to know.

Draco looked a little uncomfortable, but not surprised. Harry guessed he knew the question was coming some day.

"This is probably going to be a long story, because I want to explain it right, and we do have a very long train ride ahead of us. As you know I come from an old wizard family. That means we have a lot of money. It also means that there is a lot of expectations on me. My entire life my father decided who I should be, what I should do. Who I should be friends with and who I should love. I never got to decide anything for myself, i didn't have any control. If i tried to disobey my father he would call me a disgrace and threaten to disown me. Well he usually called me a disgrace anyway. I was never good enough for him, and so I was never good enough for myself. And then when he found out i was gay..."

Harry had to work very hard not to gasp, that really messed with his head. Draco was gay?!

"...he locked me in my room for the entire summer saying I was sick, and that I needed to change. This was the summer before fifth year, he sent me back to Hogwarts with the promise that if he heard ANYTHING about me telling anyone about my disease he would hand me over to you-know-who. I wanted to die, I had been depressed for a while I guess, but never that bad. I wanted to kill myself, but I didn't want to give father that satisfaction. So I stuck around, and good thing too I suppose. Otherwise we'd both be dead. When I was in Azkaban I had a lot of time to think. I asked the guards not to let father visit, and when I got out I realised he had disowned me. It was the happiest day of my life. I'm poor now though, feels weird to say that. I used up all my last money to rent a room the past two weeks."

Draco looked a little embraced, like he regretted telling Harry all this, but he also looked like he was relieved. Harry was shocked. Draco Malfoy had been depressed and suicidal. Draco Malfoy was gay. He didn't even know where to begin.

"I, just, wow. I had no idea Draco, I'm so sorry. I guess we both know what it's like to be locked up and told you're not good enough then." Draco smiled sadly at Harry, so Harry assumed he was right in his assumption that Draco had heard rumors of his upbringing.

"Yeah we do, except I had time to get over it. It sounds weird, but being in Azkaban was good for me. I spent the time there recovering, and I guess changing too. Oh, Melin! I hope I'm not a Hufflepuff!"

This made Harry laugh, it was amazing really. How Draco could make him laugh, especially after discussing something so serious.

"It's getting dark outside, we must be at Hogwarts soon. How does this whole resorting thing work anyhow? Do we get up there with the first graders?" Harry really hoped they didn't have to get up with the first graders.

"I don't think so, I guess we'll just do it after the feast or something. I haven't really thought about it."Harry pretended to look shocked.

"Draco Malfoy, not thinking about something. You really did change!" They both laughed. Then Draco suddenly looked serious.

"About me being gay, does it bother you? It's usually pretty accepted in the wizard world, except for pure-blood fanatics like father. I don't know how it works in the muggle world though. Just tell me if it bothers you, and I'll leave you alone." Draco was biting his lip, looking all nervous, and cute. Damn it! Harry could't think like that. He tried to stop his thoughts and smiled reassuringly at Draco.

"I'll admit I'm kinda shocked, I would have never guessed you'd be gay. It doesn't bother me though. It's usually accepted in the muggle world to, though not in the family I grew up. My uncle used to say that if i ever turned out to be gay he would murder me, because a person being that much of a freak didn't deserve to live. I don't agree with him though, about gay being wrong."

Harry then muttered "at least not for other people..."

He immediately regretted it. Why did he say that? He wasn't gay, and if he was that would be ok, wouldn't it? Maybe Harry was gay. He had never been in love with a girl, or even been attracted to one. This was all so confusing. Harry needed to clear his head. He needed to bleed. It looked like Draco was about to say something, but Harry interrupted before he could even start.

"I need to use the loo."

Harry then proceeded to exit the compartment as fast as he could without running. He didn't have his blades, but he'd find a way. He found the loo and locked himself in.

He needed something sharp. He had never been good at transfiguration, so he didn't know how to transfigure a blade. Harry looked in the mirror, he looked crazy. Thousands of thoughts where running through his head. Too many for him to make sense of. The mirror! Harry did know how to break and fix a mirror!

He cast a silencing charm so no one would hear the glass break. Then he broke the mirror with a charm. He found a piece that was sharp enough for his liking. Harry pulled up his sleeve and revealed his now scarred arm. He found a place he hadn't cut yet and dragged the broken mirror over it.

His head immediately stilled. He could think again, everything was clear. His arm was throbbing, but it was worth it. Now that his head was functioning Harry decided that it didn't matter if he was gay or not. If he found someone to love, that loved him back, what did it matter what gender that person was?

Harry pressed a piece of paper to his fresh cut and waited for the bleeding to stop. He should really get back to Draco to reassure him that it wasn't his fault that he had freaked out. He used a quick reparao to fix the mirror, then he made sure there was no blood anywhere before he left.

When he entered the compartment Draco looked worried and hurt. "If it bothers you that much that I'm gay, you can just say so. You don't have to pretend it's ok."

Harry could see that Draco was trying to put his tough guy mask on, but apparently it had been off for too long, because Harry saw straight through it. Draco had been honest with him, so he could be honest back right?

"No, I promise it doesn't bother me! It's just that I've been kinda insecure about my own sexuality. I don't really know what I am." Draco smiled at that, and he looked almost, hopeful. But no, that would be weird he wasn't hopeful.

"It doesn't matter who you love Harry, as long as it's someone good for you." Harry smiled.

"Yeah, that's what I realised."

Draco smirked. "You can always ask me if you need some help in figuring it out. I have some great gay porn." Harry blushed, he seemed to do that a lot lately.

"Yeah, it doesn't hurt to try it I guess." Draco just smiled even wider.

The feast was.. interesting. It turned out that Harry and Draco was to be sorted before the first years, so they would know where to sit. Dumbledore explained the situation to the school and then Draco was called to the sorting hat. The hat used longer time to decide now than it had done in their first year, but after a while it called out !Slytherin".

Draco got up and went to sit at his table. Then it was Harrys turn. He really had no idea what to expect. He sat down on the too small chair and the hat fell over his eyes.

"Well, hello again Harry. You've changed a lot haven't you? And all that sadness in your mind. Don't worry, I won't tell. It's not my place. When we first met I said that you would be a good Slytherin, but you disagreed. I can see now though that you no longer have the same fears of that house you used to have. You still have the Gryffindor courage, but I think that now you will fit best in SLYTHERIN"

The last word was shouted for the entire hall to hear. The hat came of Harry's head and he could see all the shocked faces staring up at him. He then looked at the Slytherin table, someone looked angry, others looked pleased. Then he saw Draco, he had a huge grin on his face. Harry grinned back at him and walked over to the Slytherin table.

"The Gryffindork becomes a Slytherin, how does it feel?" Harry smiled at Draco.

"It feels good actually, the hat wanted to put me here in first year too. I only ended up in Gryffindor because I begged it not to put me here. I thought you all were evil."

Draco laughed. "Cunning yes, a little mean, maybe, but we're not evil. At least not all of us." Harry and Draco got a lot more weird looks from other students during dinner. The snake and the lion, good friends. Well, they where both snakes now, but that was even weirder to the students.

"Potter, Malfoy can I have a word with you two?"

Harry and Draco was just leaving the hall when Professor Snape approached them.

"Welcome to Slytherin, Harry, and welcome back, Draco. I am here to inform you of your new sleeping arrangements. As you know, people usually share a dorm with the people they take classes with, but we have decided that since you will be attending six year classes and you are both 18 you should have separate sleeping quarters to the others. There is a new dorm room awaiting you in the Slytherin dungeon. I trust this won't be a problem?" Draco smiled.

"No sir."

Snape nodded and left, swishing his cloak like only he could. Harry looked after Snape weirdly.

"Is he sick or something? He was all nice to me."

Draco laughed at Harrys bewildered face. "You're a Slytherin now Harry. A nice Snape comes with the deal."

As they made their way to the Slytherin common room Draco looked suspiciously at Harry.

"What? Do I have something in my teeth or something?" Draco looked amused when Harry started rubbing his teeth.

"No, I'm simply noticing that you seem to know a lot about how to get to the common rooms, you used to be a Gryffindork, how do you know where we're going?" Harry wondered for a second whether or not he should tell Draco, and then decided that he should.

The rest of the way to the common room they both laughed at how Harry and Ron had broken into the Slytherin common rooms, and how Hermione ended up a cat.

"You used to really hate me though," Harry said sadly. "You said I was the worst thing at Hogwarts."

Draco stopped walking and looked Harry into the eyes. "I never hated you Harry, I was angry and bitter that you turned down my offer to be friends. And later i was just, well to be honest, when I was mocking you and your friends I just wanted an excuse to talk to you." Draco blushed again.

"You are too cute when you blush like that!" Harry put a hand over his mouth, had he really said that?

Draco blushed even more. Oh he really had. Harry needed to say something else, to make this a little less awkward.

"Well for the record, I never hated you either. I was just angry because you were mean to my first friends ever." Draco jumped at the chance to get away from the awkward subject of him blushing.

"Like I said, I had non-existing social skills."

They now found themselves outside the wall that hid the entrance to the Slytherin common rooms. They didn't know the password, but they got lucky because a prefect escorting some first years got there just after they arrived. The prefect said "House cup" and the wall opened.

"Seriously, your password is house cup?" Harry asked, the Slytherin really where ambitious.

"Our password Harry, and yes, apparently it is." Draco smiled.

They entered the Slytherin common room together, my common room Harry corrected himself, because I'm a Slytherin now. What would my parents think of that, and Sirius. Pain shot through Harry. Would they be disappointed. And the Weasleys and Hermione, would they hate him now.

Draco saw that Harry was getting lost in his thoughts again, so he grabbed his hand and walked over to where the boys sleeping quarters where. He found a door with their names on and entered. The room had two beds with green covers (of course) It had another door that Draco assumed lead to the bathroom. There was also a couch and a desk. He smiled, Snape had really made this nice for them, and they did deserve it after all. Neither of the boys had lead an easy life. Draco sat Harry down on the couch and sat next to him.

"Something is on your mind, talk to me."

Harry looked up at Draco. "I'm just worried I guess, about what my parents and Sirius would think if they knew I was in Slytherin. And I'm also worried that my Gryffindor friends will hate me. I just have so many thoughts, and I don't know how to get rid of them or understand them."

Harry hoped Draco would't make him have a long talk about his emotions or something, he wasn't ready for that yet. He wouldn't know what to say anyway. Draco seemed to understand that.

"No one will hate you Harry, you are to awesome for that! I think you need a good wank. I'll get you my porn, because I have a feeling you don't own any. I think I have both guys and girls so just look at whatever floats your boat."

Draco then opened his trunk, dug around a little and gave Harry two magazines. They looked just like the muggle magazines Dudley had, except the pictures moved.

"Here, take these. I'll, uhm, just be in the common room. Take your time." Harry was too embraced to say anything so he just accepted the magazines. When Draco left he looked at them. One was full of naked girls. They where with other naked girls or alone. Harry flipped through the pages, but nothing really caught his interest. He then looked at the other magazine.

It was full of naked men. Harry had never looked at porn before, and he had never really wanked much either. Only in the shower to make his morning wood go away, he had never really seen the point, but he supposed he'd give it a go. He just needed to find a picture he liked first.

When Harry was flipping through the magazine with the men he could feel himself go hard. He couldn't stop looking at their six-packs or nice arses. He turned the page and saw a blond man, he was skinny but muscled. The man had his hand wrapped around his cock, and it was gorgeous.

Harry had never been this hard in his life, he supposed he was gay then. At this moment he couldn't bring himself to care. He ripped of his robes and his pants and wrapped his hand around his hard cock like the man in the picture. Oh, Merlin that was amazing. He started moving his hand and he almost cried out.

Wanking when he was really horny was something entirely different. Harry allowed his mind to wander while he continued to move his hand up and down. He looked at the picture and imagined the man getting on his knees and putting his mouth around Harrys dick, now Harry did moan. He didn't even know it was possible to be this hard.

His cock throbbed and he moved his hand faster and faster, imagining a blond head bobbing up and down, swallowing him whole. He knew he wouldn't be able to hold on for long.

"Aaah, Draco" Harry moaned as he came, all over his hand and stomach. Pleasure pulsed through him, it was the most amazing thing Harry had ever felt. He laid down on the couch breathing hard. He was in such ecstasy that he didn't even bother worrying about the fact that he had called out Draco's name as he climaxed. Draco was a very attractive guy, Harry was sure it was normal.

When Harry regained some control over his body he cleaned up the mess he made, put the magazines on Draco's bed and then lay down on his own. Harry felt happy, sort of. He didn't feel the need to cut anymore at least. He knew this was no replacement, because he needed his cutting. This could help sometimes though, and Harry was glad for that. After a while Draco knocked on the door, before he entered slowly. When he saw that Harry wasn't still wanking he entered the room.

"So?" He asked.

Harry grinned at him "So I'm gay, and that was fucking amazing!"


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: If anyone want to beta this story I will love you forever and ever.**

**Chapter 3 - Favourite scar**

When Harry woke up the next morning he was stressed, had he really come out of the closet yesterday? Had he ever even been in the closet? And he was in Slytherin, would anyone he knew still like him now? And he had called out Draco as he climaxed. Right now Draco was the only friend Harry could be sure of, he couldn't go around calling out his name out like that.

It was amazing really, how Harry could go from masturbating and feeling kinda happy one day, to just feeling so down and depressed that he didn't know what to do with himself the next day. Draco was still sleeping peacefully in the bed next to him. Harry got up silently and found the socks that contained his blades in his trunk.

Safely locked in the bathroom Harry pulled up his sleeve. It hadn't occurred to him how hard the scars and cuts was to hide when he was sharing room with someone else. He always had to wear long sleeves, and he could never change in front of Draco.

They had only shared a room for one night and it was already a problem. And what would Harry do when summer came, or in potions class. He didn't want anyone to find out, and yet he wanted someone to know, to comfort him. No, Harry was worthless no one would care if they found out. The only result would be that they would know how utterly pathetic and stupid Harry was. They would think he did it for attention, or they would think he was sick in the head and have him locked up.

Harry didn't want either, and besides if someone knew he was cutting himself he wouldn't be able to do it anymore. Not cutting wasn't an option. Harry pulled up his sleeve and saw that the cut from yesterday had scabbed over. He poked it and a dull pain shot up his arm.

What would Sirius and his parents say if they saw him like this? They were probably relieved they where dead so they didn't have to deal with him. Harry felt like he needed to cry, he needed to let the emotions out. Not a single tear fell though, Harry hadn't cried at all since he had woken up. What kind of person was he that didn't cry at someone's death, Harry was depressed every single day, yet he could not cry. Luckily, he had other ways of letting his emotions out. He made a shallow cut with the razor and a few drops of blood seeped out, almost like tears.

Those who can't cry clear tears, cry red.

Those who don't own a voice speak with the razor.

Those who don't have friends find an enemy within themselves.

Those who don't have control, find it in their own pain.

Those who don't own joy, gain it through harm.

Those that don't have a life.. they take it.

Harry wished he could take his own life, he wished he could end his suffering. Sometimes he considered doing it, but he knew it would be wrong. As long as Harry being alive could be of benefit to anyone, he couldn't kill himself. He guessed it was his hero complex keeping him alive.

Harry took the razor to his wrist and pushed a little harder, the first cut had been pathetic, he needed to do better than that. Pain shot through him and Harry smiled, it really was wonderful. The pain filled him, and he could forget about Sirius and his parents. He could forget all about his anxiety about being in Slytherin, he could forget about how much he hated himself. Harry made a few more cuts before he called it quits.

He then put some toilet paper over the cuts while he used his wand to clean away the blood. Harry knew he could heal his cuts with magic, but that wan't something he wanted to do. He wanted to let them heal the natural way, he wanted the lingering pain. He should look up a charm to hide them though, that could be really useful.

"Harry, you have been in that bathroom forever. Please don't tell me that mop on top of your head is deliberate." Harry jumped as Draco spoke to him through the door.

He quickly pulled the sleeve of his pj's down and opened the door.

"Uhm, no sorry. I actually don't really do anything with my hair at all. No point really." He said. Draco smirked at him.

"Well some of us actually try to make an effort on how they look, so if you don't mind..."

Draco was pushing Harry out of his way to get into the bathroom when he suddenly stopped.

"Harry, is that blood on your pyjamas?" Harry looked down on his arm in panic, and indeed he had blood there, the cuts must have bleed through.

"Uhm, yeah. I cut myself shaving earlier." Harry really hoped Draco would believe his excuse.

"Do you think I'm that stupid? The blood is on your arm, you don't have a cut on your face, and also, I can see that you haven't shaved."

Draco made to pull Harrys sleeve up, but Harry pulled his arm to him.

"Don't touch me! Just go do your beauty stuff. It's obvious that you need it."

Harry didn't know why he was being mean, he just really needed Draco to not pull up his sleeve. It didn't work though, Draco just took a step towards him.

"Please, just please leave me alone." Harry was begging now. Draco looked Harry sadly.

"I'm not going anywhere Harry, you might as well show me."

Harry couldn't breathe. Was he really so bad at keeping secrets that he couldn't last two days without Draco discovering his secret? That was just plain pathetic. And no matter what he did now Draco knew he had a secret, he knew something was wrong. He could try to be mean, to make Draco go away. But Harry had a feeling that wouldn't work, and if it did, what would stop Draco telling everyone? Harry sighed, realising he didn't have another option he closed his eyes and pulled up his sleeve. He could hear Draco gasp.

"Let's just forget about this, just please don't tell anyone." Harry begged.

Draco just shook his head. "No Harry, we can't just forget this. Oh you poor thing, why do you do this? You don't have to cut yourself. Please Harry, you have to stop."

Harry didn't know how to feel. It looked like Draco didn't hate him, or think it was all for attention. But Draco didn't understand, Harry couldn't stop.

"No, I can't stop, I won't stop." This was the only thing Harry was sure of, he didn't really know why he was honest about it though.

Draco walked over to Harrys toiletries, "Where are the blades Harry? You can stop, and you will stop! I will make sure you stop. I will watch you all the time if I have to, I won't allow this."

Now Harry was mad, mad and scared.

"Won't allow it?" He shouted. "And who are you to decide that? I can do whatever the fuck I want, I'm a bloody adult. If I want to cut myself I will. And nothing you, or anyone else does is going to stop me! Why do you care so much anyway? Or maybe you don't care at all, is that it? You WANT me to suffer, you love to see me in agony, so you will deny me the only thing that helps?"

Suddenly Harry was pushed against the wall, and before he knew what was happening Draco kissed him. And it was amazing, Harry could feel all of Draco's anger and desperation. The kiss was a constant battle for dominance, because Harry was kissing him back. The kiss was the single most amazing thing in Harrys life. Draco had an own special taste, that was just Draco. Harry never wanted the kiss to end, but after a while they both had to come up for oxygen.

"You stupid sod, of course I care about you. I bloody love you. I love that mess of a hair, I love your piercing green eyes, I love how you feel like you always have to save everybody. Well now Harry Potter, it's time someone saved you. And if you can just let me, I would love to be that someone".

Harry was speechless, Draco loved him? That was just, wow.

"I, you, what?" He stammered.

Draco just looked him deep in the eyes and calmly said "Harry James Potter, I love you" then he kissed Harry again.

It was amazing how Draco's lips could make fireworks explode in Harrys head. Harry kissed Draco back with everything he had. How could he have lived his entire life without kissing Draco. Kissing him was everything, and Harry wanted more. He could feel himself grow hard, and he could feel Draco's erection against his thigh, so he knew he wasn't the only one. He started unbuttoning Draco's pyjama top, wanting to feel him, to see him.

Draco was obviously getting the idea, because he started to unbutton Harrys pyjama too. When they where both shirtless Harry couldn't stop looking at Draco.

"Beautiful," he said. Draco licked Harrys nipple, earning a moan.

"Gorgeous," he responded.

He then started sucking Harrys nipple. Never in his life had Harry felt anything that good. Then Draco pinched his other nipple, blending pain with pleasure and Harry nearly came in his pants.

"Bed, now!" He half moaned. Draco wasn't hard to ask, and they soon found themselves on Harry's bed, Draco straddling Harry.

Harry thought he had wanted control, to control his own pain, but he now realised he wanted Draco to be in control. He trusted Draco with everything, and he wanted Draco to be in control of what he felt. Harry needed someone to hurt him, but he also needed someone to make him feel good. He needed someone to hurt him, but not with hate, the way he hurt himself, with love.

"Draco, can you hurt me, please. I need the pain, I like the pain, but I want it to be you. I want you to control me, make me hurt, make me moan, make me cum. Please?" Harry begged. Draco looked unsure at first, then he kissed Harry hard.

"Tell me when to stop then, and if I see you not enjoying it I will never forgive you for making me hurt you." Harry just nodded.

Draco started sucking and licking Harry's neck, then suddenly bit him. Harry was already moaning, but when the bite came he arched his back, and his cock grew even harder. It was so amazing having Draco hurt him, the pleasure and pain mixing into something Harry knew he could never have enough of.

Draco's hands was all over while he sucked on Harrys neck. They where scratching him in the most delicious way. Harry pulled down Draco's pyjama bottoms and saw a huge bulge in his boxers. Oh Merlin that was hot! Draco was pulling on his pyjama now, and Harry lifted his hips to help. His cock crashed into Draco's and both boys moaned at the feeling.

This was really truly wonderful! Harry needed to see Draco'sl manhood, he needed to touch it, feel it.

"Too many clothes, need..aah" Harry stopped mid sentence as Draco bit his nipple. "Need them off!" Harry finished.

Draco smiled at this and pulled Harrys boxers down. He was staring at Harry's cock, and Harry suddenly felt self conscious. He took his hands down to hide his erect cock, but Draco stopped him.

"No, Harry. Don't hide it." Draco had a satisfied smirk on his face. He then reached down to pull of his own boxers, still straddling Harry. Harry couldn't stop looking. A few days ago he could have sworn he was straight, yet as he looked at Draco's hard cock, he knew he wanted to do nothing more than look at it his entire life. He wanted to touch it, taste it, he wanted it buried deep inside him.

"I want to, can I.. taste it?" he said hesitantly.

Draco smirked again. "Only if I can taste yours."

Then Draco turned around so he could put his mouth on Harry, and Harry could put his mouth on him. Harry suspected that this wasn't Draco's first time, and when Draco licked his cock Harry was sure. He looked up at the cock hanging in his face, and used his hand to direct it towards his mouth, all the while shivering at what Draco was doing to him.

Draco had put Harrys cock in his moth, and was slowly sucking it, every once in a while using his teeth, creating that wonderful pain-pleasure Harry had already come to love. Harry licked the head of Draco's cock before putting the dick in his mouth. This caused Draco to moan, which in turn sent the most wonderful vibrations through Harry, making him moan.

Harry took Draco down as far as he could without gagging, he started slowly sucking the cock in and out, moaning every once in a while to send vibrations to Draco. Both boys continued sucking each other, moaning around each others cocks. They both increased the speed, Harry could feel himself coming close. He wanted to warn Draco, but he didn't really know how while he had Draco's cock in his mouth. He just hoped Draco would notice and pull away if he wanted to.

Draco then scraped his teeth over Harrys cock, and Harry couldn't contain himself anymore. He moaned into Draco's cock while he came in his mouth. It was the best orgasm he had ever experienced, he just wanted to do this again and again. Draco wasn't far behind, and when he came in Harrys mouth Harry swallowed it all down. He was surprised that it wasn't totally gross tasting, it was actually kinda nice. Draco eventually worked up the strength to get off Harry and lay down next to him.

"That was, just, wow." Harry muttered.

"Love you Harry," Draco said.

Harry was silent for a while, he didn't really know what to answer, did he love Draco? In one way they hadn't known each other for long. But in another Harry had known him since he was eleven. Harry knew he trusted Draco, he trusted Draco with his pain and his pleasure. He trusted Draco with his secrets. He knew he wanted to be around Draco all the time, and he knew he would never grow tired of his presence. Harry wasn't entirely sure what love was, but he thought this was it. So he loved Draco Malfoy then? Suddenly Harry was scared. Love was one of the emotions he was trying to push away, love hurt.

"I love you too Draco, but I'm scared, I really am." Draco looked sleepy at him.

"Everyone's going to hurt you Harry, you just have to decide who's worth the pain. Everyone we know leaves a scar on us in some way, but sometimes that's a good thing. I will never hurt you on purpose, and I'll do everything in my power to protect you."

Harry smiled, he didn't want to cry in front of Draco, but for the first time in a long time he had tears in his eyes. "Well, if all people scar us in some way, then you, Draco Malfoy, are my favorite scar."

Draco smiled, and soon after he fell asleep. Harry stayed awake thinking, he was scared. He was so incredibly scared that Draco would leave him, or get hurt because of him. It was selfish of Harry to keep Draco, because death eaters where still out there, and they wanted Harry dead. Harry shouldn't allow anyone else to get attached to him. Everyone that loved Harry was in danger. Harry got out of the bed and looked sadly at Draco before he got over to his own bed. It wasn't fair to Draco to let him love Harry, so Harry needed to make him stop.

Harry dreaded the next day, he would have to be awful to Draco, it would hurt them both. Harry knew it would be for the best in the end though, no one should love him. Harry didn't fall asleep at all until evening, Draco slept all through the day and was still sleeping when Harry finally went out.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Ok so I know this chapter isn't very long either, but I wanted to post today, and the only way for me to do that was to post a slighly short chapter. I would appreciate rewiews on what you prefer; shorter chapters and more frequent updates, or longer chapter but not that many updates. And I would also LOOVE rewiews on the story. Sorry I'm becoming that author with the mile-long AN, I swore I wouldn't do that. Oh, well. **

**Chapter 4 - The Boggart**

Harry woke up to Draco stroking his hair, for a second he allowed himself to relish in it. He wanted to lie there forever, letting Draco love him. He knew he couldn't though. Harry realised that he and Draco had spent most of yesterday asleep. Well, Draco had been asleep anyway. Harry had stayed up dreading today.

"Sex with you really worn me out you know, I don't think I have slept this long my entire life." Draco spoke to Harry, not knowing he had woken.

"It's Monday now though Harry, so you have to wake up soon. Not that I can understand how you are still sleeping. You could have stayed in my bed you know, I wouldn't have minded." Harry kept pretending to sleep, he didn't want to do what he knew he had to.

He knew he had to do it now though, or he would never be able to do it. He pretended to wake up and pushed Draco's hand away.

"Stay away from me Malfoy, what, you think us sucking each other off made us boyfriends or something? We hated each other for our entire lives, that's not going to change just because of an orgasm!"

Each word that left Harrys lips hurt him, and he had to work hard not to show it to Draco. He could see pain shoot through Draco's face. Then Draco braced himself.

"I don't believe you Harry, you said you loved me. You said you trusted me. Yesterday was the most wonderful day of my life. You're just scared."

Harry had to force the tears back, he couldn't let Draco see that he was hurting. Then it would all be for nothing.

"I just wanted to feel something Malfoy, yesterday meant nothing. It was nice and everything, but that's it. You don't love me and I don't love you." Tears were falling from Draco's eyes now.

It took everything in Harry not to reach over and comfort him.

"No, Harry. I love you. I have loved you for as long as I can remember. Why are you doing this? Is it some sort of heroic reason only you can see?" Why couldn't Draco just accept this, Harry hated to hurt him like this.

"You don't love me Malfoy, you might think you do, but you don't. I was vulnerable yesterday, It's not my fault you took advantage of that and made it mean something it didn't. Now just leave me alone!"

Tears started pouring out of Draco's eyes, and Harry realised he had believed him. He slowly backed away from Harrys bed.

"Fine, I'm sorry. Lets just forget yesterday ever happened. I'll go to breakfast now."

Little sobs broke out between Draco's words, and Harry really hoped the pain was short-lived for Draco. He hated to see the boy in pain. As soon as Draco left the room Harry screamed into his pillow. He wanted to let out the tears he had been holding in, but he realised he couldn't. He looked at his watch and saw that he still had an hour before breakfast was over. He had time to cut.

Harry didn't bother hiding in the bathroom. Draco knew he cut, and Harry suspected he wouldn't be back for a while anyway. Harry made a few cuts like he always did, but as he watched the blood run down his arm he realised it didn't help. He still felt like shit, he still had thoughts of Draco crying running through his head.

Harry made a few more cuts, and he still had a vivid image of Draco crying in his head. Harry cut more, and more, he tried cutting deeper, he tried cutting on his wrist. Finally, when Harry's entire left arm was full of fresh bleeding cuts could Harry breathe again. His head was clear.

He looked at the clock and decided he had to skip breakfast. He needed time to clear up his mess. And he wanted to sit and just enjoy the feeling he had first. Harry found an old t-shirt that had belonged to Dudley in his trunk. He ripped it up and used it to bandage up his arm. He didn't give a fuck about the cuts being infected, but he had to go soon, and he didn't want them to bleed through his robes. Harry used his wand to clean away the blood, put on his robes and left.

He had barley gotten down the stairs when he realised he had forgotten his books. Oh that was just great, this was just starting to become such an AMAZING fucking day.

"What are you looking at kid?!" He barked at a scared first year that just happened to be close to Harry.

The kid looked terrified. Oh wonderful, get a grip Harry, you just forgot your books. No big deal. Just go back and get them. Harry went back to his and Draco's room and grabbed his books. On his way out he saw his schedule, Draco must have gotten it for him while he was still asleep.

Guilt shot through Harry, and he hit himself on his fresh cuts. Harry deserved to be punished, but then again he enjoyed the pain. He needed to find another way to punish himself.

Harrys saw that his schedule was mostly empty, why was that? And then he saw it, the note on top that said. See your head of house to fill in subjects based on your O.W.L.S.

Harry didn't even know how he did in his O.W.L.S., he guessed he had recieved that letter when he was in a coma. He had half a mind to go find McGonnegal before he remembered that Snape was his head of house now. This could be awkward.

Harry convinced himself that he didn't really care and made his way to Snape's office. Harry hadn't been there since he saw all of Snape's memories in fifth year. It felt like yesterday to Harry, but he knew it was years ago, he hoped Snape had gotten over it. Harry braced himself before knocking the door.

"Potter, why does it not surprise me that you are the last student to see me about your schedule? Of course most of the students did this at breakfast, but not you. Oh no." Snape looked disapprovingly at Harry as he held his speech, but Harry realised Snape's eyes lacked the usual hate and disgust they usually held when he looked at Harry.

"Sorry professor, I'm here now. Though I don't really know what my O.W.L.S. are."

Snape started looking through his papers. "Do you know what subjects you wish to take?"

Harry had to think about that for a while. Did he really care what subjects he took?

"Well I want to take DADA, but other than that I don't really know." It was more like he didn't care, but he couldn't tell Snape that.

"Well, you told McGonnegal in your fifth year that you wanted to be an auror, is that still the case?" Snape was starting to look impatient, so Harry decided to just agree on wanting to be an auror, when he in reality didn't want to live that long. He guessed that if he ever did recover though, that was what he wanted to do. Snape filled Harrys schedule with the classes he would need.

"Now get to class Potter, or you will be late."

Out of Snape's office Harry looked down on his schedule. His first class was defense against the dark arts, maybe this day didn't need to suck that bad after all. After that he would have history of magic, that would give him time to find a way to punish himself properly for hurting Draco. He also had charms, transfiguration, potions and herbology as his classes. Harry guessed it wasn't the worst subjects he could have had.

Harry made it to the DADA classroom before the teacher did, to his dismay he saw Draco standing in line for the class too. It seemed the Slytherins would have DADA with the Hufflepuffs, that would make it easy. Harry didn't want to stereotype other houses, but from what he had seen in the DA, Hufflepuffs weren't the best at defense.

Just as Harry was starting to wonder what teacher they would have this year he saw Lupin. Harry at first thought he was seeing things, but when the rest of the class greeted the professor as Professor Lupin, he knew he wasn't. So Lupin was a teacher here then? Lupin opened the classroom door and asked everyone to enter.

"Good morning class," he said. "And to those who weren't with us last year," he said looking at Harry and Draco, "I am again the defense against the dark arts teacher."

Lupin sent Harry a small smile, witch Harry returned. He hadn't seen Lupin since he woke up from the coma. He had wondered why Lupin never came to the hospital, but he just figured he was mad at Harry for making Sirius die. The smile he sent Harry wasn't angry though, so maybe it was all in Harry's head.

"Today we will be doing some repetition from earlier years, do any of you have suggestions or things you have forgotten?"

A Hufflepuff girl hesitantly raised her hand. "Well, I'd love to try fighting a bogart again. I never really got the hang of it the fist time."

Lupin smiled warmly at her. "I'll se what I can do, I have to find a bogart to do that though. So how about we practice some spells for the rest of the lesson?"

The class was pleased with that. Harry could see that Lupin was just as popular as he was when Harry had him in third grade. They practiced spells for the rest of the lesson, Harry excelled at them all. That is, until they tried casting the patronus charm.

Harry had always been good at that charm, he had learned it from Lupin himself in his third year. Now however, Harry couldn't even make a dim light appear. He supposed the trouble was finding a happy memory, he couldn't think of one. It was like a layer of darkness covered all the memories he had previously considered good.

When Harry realised this he put his wand down and stopped trying, he knew there was no point. Lupin walked over to him.

"Having trouble with your patronus, Harry?" Harry just nodded. He didn't really know how to act around Lupin in the classroom.

"Will you come see me during your lunch break Harry, I believe we have a lot to discuss."

Again Harry just nodded. He supposed it was a good thing though, having an excuse not to eat lunch. He wanted to avoid Draco as much as possible.

After DADA, Harry grudgingly made his way to history of magic. He really hated that subject, he vowed not to fall asleep today though. He needed to find a way to punish himself for what he did to Draco. Harry made it to the class and sat down with his head in his hands, not even pretending to listen to the ghost.

He had said that Draco used him, when it was really the opposite. Harry had used Draco because he wanted to feel loved. Harry loved Draco, but he knew he didn't deserve him. Therefore Harry should have never made Draco believe there could be something between them, it would only hurt Draco in the long run. So how should Harry be punished? Cutting didn't do it, he liked cutting.

Suddenly an idea came to Harry. From now on he would let everyone who wanted to use him, use him like he had used Draco. Harry knew that meant slutting himself out, but the idea was genius. Harry would be punished by becoming a slut, and that would make people judge him. It would also contribute to encouraging Draco with moving on.

The rest of the class moved slower than Harry believed time could move. All he wanted was for the day to end. After what felt like forever at least the class ended. Harry wanted to go spend lunch in his room, but he remembered his deal with Lupin when he was halfway to the Slytherin common room.

Oh bloody marvelous he thought. Speaking the word bloody, Ron's trademark, in his head reminded him that he should probably owl Ron and Hermione, he supposed he had been kinda mean to them the past week. But then again, maybe it was for the best. Although everyone already knew he was friends with Ron and Hermione, so they wouldn't be in any more danger by continuing to be his friend. Maybe he should just owl them and ask if they still wanted anything to do with him. Harry was so lost in thought that he almost passed Lupins office. When he realised he had reached his destination, he stopped, took a deep breath and knocked the door.

"Come in," Lupin called.

Harry opened the door and entered Lupin's study. It looked much like it had done in Harry's third year, except Lupin now had a few more things, and they looked nicer too. He didn't appear to be poor anymore.

"Harry, I'm glad you came to see me. I apologise for not coming to see you after you woke up. I could blame it on the fact that I had a lot to do before the school year started, but I won't. The truth is, I was scared. Am scared. Scared that you blame me for Sirius dying. That you are angry for me stopping you going after Bellatrix. I'm sorry Harry, I was a coward."

Harry stared at Lupin, did he really think Harry would blame him for Sirius dying? It was all Harry's fault, everyone knew that. If he hadn't let Voldemort fool him nobody would have been in the mystery department at all. Harry felt horrible, guilt washed through him and he could barley stand on his feet. He desperately needed to cut, but he knew he couldn't. Not now, not yet.

"I don't blame you for anything Professor, I'm glad to see you." Harry tried to sound glad, but he didn't think he got it right. Guilt was still rushing through him in enormous amounts.

"Call me Remus in private please Harry. I realise you have lost your father and your godfather, and if you want to, I would like to think of us as family. Your father, Sirius and I always felt like brothers, so that would make me your uncle. Well, sort of your uncle."

Harry smiled, Remus really thought himself Harry's uncle? Who would want to be his family? The only family Harry ever knew where the Dursleys, and they wanted nothing more than to NOT be Harry's family.

"Harry, are you ok? You look kinda out of it, and I noticed that you had trouble with your patronus in class."

So this was the problem with real family, they cared. They actually noticed when something was wrong, and then they tried to find out what. What should Harry tell him, that all his good memories where ruined? That it was like he had someone whispering insecurities in his ear and making him find proof in every memory he had that people hated him or he didn't deserve them? Harry couldn't tell Remus that.

"I don't know why I couldn't get it to work, maybe something happened in my coma or something."

Harry really hoped Remus would accept his explanation. It didn't look like he did, but he didn't question it either.

"Would you like to practise it? I spent last lesson looking for a boggart for your class to practise on, but you cold use it to practise the patronus charm now."

Harry didn't really want to, he knew he wouldn't be able to do it, but he knew Remus would be even more suspicious if he said no.

"Sure, that would be great." Harry got his wand out as he watched Remus walk over to a suitcase.

"Ready?" Harry just nodded. Lupin opened the suitcase and out came, Harry. For a few seconds both Harry and Remus looked really confused. Then the boggart-Harry started rolling up his sleeves. Harry was to shocked to do anything but watch as the bogart-Harry revealed the cuts and scars that Harry knew was exactly the same as he had underneath his clothes.

His bogart had changed, it was Harry showing people how pathetic he really was.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Hii, i'm sorry for the late update. I blame my exams. I have also been going over my older chapters, editing them and trying to make them better. So thanks for the rewiews that help me improove! =) I realise there are still some mistakes in my writing, but english isn't my first language, I try to do my best though. **

**Chapter 5 - Dirty**

Harry was mortified! How would he explain that his bogart had changed? And how would he explain what it showed? First of all though, he had to make the stupid bogart go away. He had no idea how to make it funny though. He didn't feel like laughing at all.

Just when Harry thought it couldn't get worse, the bogart-Harry pulled a razor-blade from his pocket and put it to his wrist. Bogart-Harry then proceeded to cut himself.

Harry couldn't watch, so he looked at Remus instead. He wasn't looking at the bogart anymore either, he was staring at Harry. He then stepped in front of him and the bogart turned into a moon. Remus banished it back into the suitcase without even looking at it.

"Harry, can you show me your arms please." He spoke calmly, but Harry could see the pain in his eyes.

"There is nothing to see." Harry responded. How did this keep happening, how did people keep finding out?

"Nothing to see that I haven't already seen on the Bogart, or nothing to see?" Lupin asked.

Harry didn't know how to answer, no matter what he did Lupin would find out.

"I'm going to take your silence to mean the first option. Don't worry Harry, I'm not going to ask why you do this. I'm not going to ask you to explain this to me. When I was younger, I did it too. I was able to hide it for a while, blaming the cuts on me being a werewolf. Your dad and Sirius found out though. They didn't really understand it, but they accepted me and they helped me stop. So I'm not going to yell, or demand that you stop. I hope you will try to recover, and I want you to know that you are not alone. I am here whenever you need to talk. The only thing I will ask you is that you are careful. I don't want to force you into getting help you don't want, but if i find out you have been cutting too deep I'll have to. I'm here for you Harry, you can talk to me whenever you want, and if you ever want professional help I will gladly find someone for you. Like I said Harry, I consider us family, and I love you."

Harry was stunned by Remus's speech. He had cut himself? And his dad and Sirius hadn't hated him? Harry knew he should say something, but he didn't really know what to say. He should probably thank Remus, yes that was the right thing to do.

"Thank you Remus, I don't really know what to say."

Remus smiled a little. "It's ok Harry, I was never good with words either. Now, I have to ask. How do you feel about using healing charms on your cuts?"

Harry just shook his head. He didn't want to do that. He felt he should probably reassure Remus though.

"I know healing charms, and I promise to use them if things ever, uhm, go to far. I don't intend to kill myself."

This seemed to make Remus relieved. "If I teach you a disinfection charm, can you promise me to use it? Infection is really bad."

Again Harry nodded, then he thought of something. "Yeah, ok, I'll disinfect them. Do you think that maybe, if it's ok, that you could teach me a glamour to hide the cuts too?"

Remus seemed to consider this. "Fine Harry, I'll teach you both, but know that this isn't something you need to hide. It's good to discuss it with friends. Because you're famous, I'll help you hide it though. The whole wizarding world doesn't need to know. But I do encourage you to talk to your friends about it."

Remus then showed Harry how to disinfect, hide and reveal his scars and cuts. When Harry was about to leave Remus stopped him.

"Harry, I will give you some time to prepare to see a mind healer, however I won't wait forever. You need help, but I know you won't benefit from being forced to get it at this time. If I don't see you improving, or approaching anyone for help I will have to do something. I hope you don't feel like this is me betraying you. I'm doing this because I care."

Harry did feel betrayed, and angry. Remus had just told him that he wouldn't force him into anything. He didn't really feel the need to tell Remus that though.

"I'll try." He said, once again intending to leave.

Remus stopped him again though. "Harry, you missed your next lesson. I'll write a note to Snape explaining it's my fault so you won't get in trouble. Don't worry I won't tell him what we discussed." Harry waited for Remus to write the note, and then, finally, left the office.

Harry made his way to his last lesson that day, Herbology. He didn't really pay attention during the class though. He was too busy making plans for how he would punish himself. Now Remus knew too, another person he hurt by being screwed up.

Harry knew how he wanted to punish himself, but he needed to find people that wanted to use him. He needed someone that would punish him. He had seen a few bars in Hogsmeade, maybe one of them was a gay bar? He could sneak out tonight, and take a look.

When the lesson was over Harry walked around the castle, waiting for dinner to begin. He didn't want to risk running into Draco in their common room. When Harry was pretty sure Draco would be at dinner, he made his way to the dungeon to change his clothes and get his invisibility cloak. In his dorm room Harry found a pair of jeans that was just a little too tight, and a t-shirt that was just a little bit see through. He really looked the part of hooker.

It felt weird to leave his arms uncovered, but the glamour Remus had taught him worked well. He couldn't see his cuts or scars, but he could still feel the pain when he touched them. It was perfect.

Harry put his invisibility cloak over himself, grabbed the marauders' map, and left. There was no dementors guarding the school now like there was when he snuck out in third year, so there was no need to use the secret passages. He could just leave through the main gates.

Walking towards the town, Harry felt nervous, he was about to loose his virginity to a complete stranger. He didn't want to do that. If he was honest with himself he knew he wanted to save that for Draco. That was the point of this though, to punish himself. Harry spent the rest of the way to Hogsmeade punching his cuts.

He couldn't find a gay bar in the town, but Harry didn't give up that fast. He took of his invisibility cloak and entered the most shabby bar he could find. The bar wasn't full, but then it was a Monday night. Harry looked at the customers and realised he had hit the jackpot. The bar was full of men, not a single one was attractive. But Harry could see just by looking around that the most part of them wasn't entirely straight.

Harry sat down in a place he knew everyone could see him and ordered two shots of firewhisky. He didn't think he could do this sober. Two seconds after the shots where placed in front of him, just as he was getting ready to pay, a middle aged man walked up to him. He gave the bartender some money.

"The drinks are on me," he said with a cheesy smile.

The man really wasn't attractive. Harry assumed he was in his forties, his hair was thinning at the top and he supported a quite large stomach. Harry downed one of the shots. It burned through him.

"Want to take a seat?" He asked the man.

"Sure thing," the man said as he sat down, not across the table to Harry, but next to him. "What's a pretty young celebrity like yourself doing here tonight? Oh and I'm Mikael by the way."

The man, Mikael, had referred to Harry as a celebrity, so Harry assumed he recognized him. Not that he was really surprised. Harry put his hand on Mikaels thigh, hating himself as he did so.

"Well, Mikael. I just woke up from a coma. And I guess I'm here looking for some action, so to say."

Mikael smirked, but it was nothing like the attractive and gorgeous smile Draco could produce. He grabbed Harry's hand and moved it further up his thigh. All the way up so Harry could feel the erection in the mans pants.

"I'm up for some action," the man winked, "are you a top or bottom? Not that it really matters, because there is no way I'm taking it up the arse. Not even for the famous Harry Potter."

Harry had to think a little before he understood what the man meant by top and bottom, when he realised though he blushed a little.

"I'm a bottom, so don't worry. Do you know anywhere we can go?"

The man smirked again. "Well, we could do it in the bathroom of this bar, or we could apparate to your place."

Harry was about to tell the man he didn't have a place when he realised he did have one.

"My place then, come on." Harry downed his other shot and grabbed the man's arm and dragged him out of the bar. The man had a silly grin on his face, like he couldn't believe his luck.

"I never really got my apparation license," Harry admitted to the man. "Because of being in a coma and stuff, so you'll have to take us there."

Harry gave the man his address and he soon found himself being squeezed through a garden hose. Just as he thought he would never take another breath he was standing in his apartment. For a second he felt disappointed. He didn't show that to Mikael though, he just silently lead him to the bedroom.

In the bedroom the man tried to kiss Harry, but Harry stopped him. "You can fuck me if you want to, but I'm not doing kissing. Ok?" Harry couldn't bring himself to let anyone kiss him after what he had shared with Draco. Mikael just grinned.

"Fine by me, as long as we fuck I'm happy." He then started unbuttoning Harrys pants.

It wasn't slow, it wasn't romantic and it wasn't nice. Mikael pulled Harry's jeans and underwear off in one go, and then he did it same to his own clothes. He didn't even bother to take their shirts off before he pushed Harry down on the bed, face down. The man had a huge erection. Harry wasn't even close to hard. Mikael didn't seem to notice though.

Harry climbed further up on the bed and positioned himself on all fours, his naked arse in the air. Mikael didn't need any more encouragement. He muttered some spells which Harry assumed was for protection and lubrication. He felt hands spreading him, and then there was a ripping pain.

The man pushed himself into Harry, and it hurt. It wasn't the glorious pain/pleasure like when he was with Draco. And it wasn't the clean, controlled pain he inflicted on himself. Harry didn't like this pain at all. It felt like he was being torn in half. The man buried himself in Harry, and Harry had to bite his lip not to scream out in pain. He deserved this.

The man stopped for a second, to say "ooh, so tight" then he pulled out and slammed back in again. The pain was even worse now. Harry bit his lip waiting for the man to finish. It felt like it took hours. And the pain got worse every time Mikael moved. After what felt like forever he finally orgasmed. When the man pulled out, Harry used a cleaning charm on them both.

Mikael got up to get dressed, and Harry, clenching his teeth so he wouldn't whimper in pain did the same thing. Harry realised he had no means of getting back to school without asking Mikael, he really needed to learn how to apparate.

"Would you mind taking me back to Hogsmead? I have to get back to Hogwarts" Suddenly Harry saw a fist coming towards him. Then he felt his nose crack and he fell to the ground. Even more pain now, this time he couldn't hold back his whimper.

"You're still at Hogwarts? I thought you where legal, and now you tell me you're jail-bait? You son of a bitch!"

He kicked Harry in the stomach. And Harry curled up on himself laying there in the fetal position. He was used to being hit after growing up with Vernon. That didn't mean he enjoyed it. He had preferred the pain of being hit over the pain of words. But Harry only liked pain when he or Draco where the ones causing it.

"Please stop, I'm 18 I promise. I'm not jail-bait. I just went back there to complete my education. Please, I'm Harry Potter, remember. You know I'm 18 now. Please don't hurt me." Harry knew he deserved whatever he got, but he really didn't like what the man was doing. And he needed his help to get back to Hogwarts.

The man pulled Harry to his feet. "I'm sorry Harry, I just lost my temper. I'll take you back to school."

Then Harry was being pulled through a hose again, and before he knew it he was standing outside of Hogwarts gates. His nose was bleeding a lot now. Mikael transfigured him a napkin from some leaves on the ground.

"Well thanks for tonight Harry, and I'm sorry about your nose." Then he disapperated. Harry reached into his pocked to get his invisibility cloak with one hand, while the other held the napkin to his nose. He put the cloak on and tried to walk towards the school. He realised that was really hard.

The pain in his arse made it really hard to walk, and he was suddenly feeling the two shots he had at the bar. He had never had alcohol before, and now that the adrenaline was gone, Harry realised he was quite drunk. He half stumbled, half limped through Hogwarts and into the dungeons. He stood there for a few minutes trying to remember the password, and when he finally did, he made his way to his bed. He wanted to sleep forever.

"Where have you been? Do you have ANY idea how late it is? You may have broken my heart Harry, but I still love you, and I'm here for you. But when you disappear like that all nigh.. is that BLOOD?!" Draco started his rant as soon as Harry entered their sleeping quarters.

"Yeeeeah, I think my nose is bleeding. The man made it go crack" Harry realised somewhere deep down how ridiculous he sounded, but it was like he had no control over his body.

He attempted to walk towards his bed but the pain from walking combined with the alcohol made him stumble and fall.

"Ouch." he said. But he couldn't be bothered with getting up. The floor was as comfy as anything.

"Harry, what man? And you're limping. Did you.. did he.. What happened Harry?" Draco's voice was a good combination of angry, scared, and sad. He walked over to Harry to get a look at his nose.

"We had sex, or he fucked me. I didn't liiiike it at all. And then he hit me, and then he kicked me. I don't think he's very nice at all. But he's what I deserve" Harry realised he was saying too much, he knew his words where all wrong. Deep down he knew all of that, but he couldn't make himself stop.

"Harry, why did you do this?" Draco was in tears again.

"Needed to be punished, I made you all saaad. I don't like it when you're sad. But I'm not good because you will be killed by stupid death eaters and I'm all broken." Harry was trying to explain why he had hurt Draco, he wanted Draco to understand why he had hurt him.

"Harry James Potter! What you did this morning, was it all some weird plan to protect me? The death eaters already want me. I was safe in prison because they think I tried to kill you, now they know I saved you, so they know I'm not on their side. And most of them are in prison anyway, so they can't hurt us! And you are so good enough for me Harry. Like I said, I love you!"

Draco was looking into Harry's eyes, and he made so much sense. Harry knew he wasn't good enough, but who was he to decide who Draco loved? Then he remembered what he had just done. He had ruined himself even more. He was dirty now. Dirty and broken.

Suddenly he was crying, and he couldn't stop. Harry couldn't do this, it was too much. He realised he was banging his head on the floor.

"Harry, what are you doing?! Stop that! Harry! STOP!" Draco was shouting at him, he sounded scared.

Harry didn't stop though, he kept banging his head on the floor until everything went black.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**AN: Thanks to my amazing beta Kitten in the Shadows =) And sorry it took so long to post it ;o**

Harry woke up with his head aching. Actually, it wasn't just his head that hurt. His healing cuts were hurting, but he was used to that. This was something different, his whole body ached. He felt like he was going to puke, but his stomach hurt from something else too. His face hurt like a bitch and he had pain shooting from his arse every time he tried to move. Harry didn't want to open his eyes yet, so he tried to take a hold of his surroundings without looking. He was lying in a soft bed, why was he surprised by that? Waking up in a bed was quite normal. Then it all came rushing back to him like a bad nightmare.

Drinking, letting some guy fuck him. Harry tried to remember his name, but he couldn't. That same guy hitting him, and then taking him back to school. Being struck by the alcohol after his nerves were used up. Coming back to his dorm and fighting with Draco. And then realising he had ruined it all. Draco had been right when arguing that there was no reason for them to be apart, but Harry had gone and allowed himself to be filthy. He could never touch Draco now.

After that the memories stopped. There was no explanation for why Harry ended up in bed with a headache from hell. Harry couldn't bring himself to care anymore though. He had one opportunity to have something in his life that made him happy, and he had ruined. And not only had he ruined his own happiness, he had ruined Draco's.

Harry had only meant to punish himself and protect Draco, but he had hurt Draco too. How could his logic have gotten so fucked up? Why did he think that Draco would be in more danger from Death Eaters by being with him? Everyone knew by now that Draco had saved his life, so the Death Eaters where already out to get him. And why did Harry think that distancing himself from Draco would help? Sure, Harry didn't deserve to be happy, but for some insane reason, Draco loved him, so it just hurt Draco too.

It had all happened so fast. Well fast for Harry, according to Draco, he'd loved Harry for a long time. For Harry though, it had been only three weeks since he had "met" Draco. It was all happening too fast, but he couldn't help but love it. He would always treasure that day they spent sucking each other off. Even though Harry knew it could never happen again.

A small tear escaped Harry's eyes without his permission. The words slut, whore, filthy, dirty and cheap where running through his head. It was all too much, and not in the good way. Harry needed to cut, he desperately needed the strength it gave him.

Harry opened his eyes and saw a very worried and tired Draco sitting in a chair next to his bed.

"Harry! Thank Merlin you're awake. How are you? What happened last night? Fuck, I was so worried. I wasn't sure if I should have taken you to the hospital wing, but I didn't want to get you busted for drinking. Please Harry, talk to me."

Harry didn't know what to say, had Draco been sitting in the bed next to him all night? It looked like it. His hair was out of order (and that never happened) and it looked like he wore the same clothes as yesterday. And he wanted Harry to tell him what had happened. He wanted to help him. Harry felt his heart break again. Draco wanted to help him, but there was nothing left of him to save. He really needed to cut, he didn't know how much longer he could wait.

"I'll tell you, I just need to go to the bathroom" He tried to sit up and his head started spinning, what was wrong with it. He tried to feel it and discovered bumps all over it.

"You tried to break the floor with your head last night," said Draco in response to the puzzled look on Harry's face. "And then you passed out. I carried you to bed." So that must be why he was surprised to wake up in bed. "If you need the bathroom I'll help you, but please don't hurt yourself again!"

The look on Draco's face was so heartbreaking, pleading and desperate Harry realised he couldn't cut now. He would have to tell Draco what he wanted to know, and when Draco was disgusted and left he could cut all he wanted. Harry didn't really know what he might have told Draco last night, but he was still here, so he couldn't have told him everything.

"I guess I don't need the bathroom then." As it was, Harry was pretty sure he'd throw up if he stood up.

"Last night..." He started, then he took a deep breath to steady himself before he continued. "I went to a shady bar in Hogsmead. I drank two firewhiskys then I let some guy take me home and fuck me."

Harry didn't dare look at Draco, he wanted to get the story over with before he saw the reaction. "When he was done I asked him to take me back here and he got really mad at me for being a minor, and he beat me a little. I assured him I wasn't a minor though, and then he took me back here. That was when the booze hit I guess, because everything is kinda fuzzy after that."

Harry just kept looking at his hands, he didn't want to see Draco's face. One more second and everything would fall apart. Then he felt soft hands on his cheeks, tilting his head up. He found himself looking into Draco's eyes, and there was no disgust, only pity. Harry didn't know if he thought that was better or worse.

"Harry, why would you do such a thing? I don't understand. Can you help me understand?" Draco looked really confused.

Harry looked nervously to his hands again, he noticed his sleeve had ridden up and that the glamour from last night had worn off. He saw a bunch of red marks marking his arms before he hastily pulled down his sleeves. Yes Draco had seen some of his cut's before. He hadn't seen the newer ones though, and Harry preferred to keep it that way. The distraction almost made him forget to answer the question Draco had asked.

Harry looked up at him again, but Draco still wasn't mad. He just looked patiently at Harry. Perhaps thinking Harry needed some time to fully understand and formulate the answer before giving it.

Harry, however, did not think his answer through. He jumped right in, head first and just said what came to mind.

"It is what I deserve. I'm worthless, I'm nothing so that's how I should be treated. Cutting isn't a punishment for me because I like it, so I needed to find something I didn't like. I decided to let anyone that wanted to use me for the one thing I'm good for; a warm hole to fuck. And I figured it would help you get over me. And also that if word gets out people will stop looking at me like I'm some sort of hero..." Harry breathed out, for some reason he always ended up telling Draco the truth. If anyone else had asked he would have probably said he did it because he was horny.

Draco was looking at him with teary eyes. "You hate me that much?"

Harry was confused, he didn't hate Draco, where did he get that idea? He quickly ran over what he had just said in his head, and he didn't understand. He expected Draco to be angry or disgusted or both. Not hurt, he never wanted that. "What?" Was all he managed to finally choke out.

"You hate me so much you had to have sex with some guy you don't even like to make me back off? You'll sleep with some random guy, but you won't give me a chance? And what was that..." Draco looked awkward, like he didn't know what to call what they had done. "...thing we did then? Was that just punishment for you too?" Draco was screaming now, standing besides Harry's bed. He started walking towards the door, but seemed to change his mind half-way and walked over to his bed.

"Draco, no. I-" Harry tried. He really wanted, no, needed, Draco to understand. Harry could never hate him.

"Don't talk to me Harry, just please, don't" Draco both sounded and looked tired. He lay down on his bed with his back toward Harry.

"You're not going to leave?" Harry asked, he didn't get that. Draco obviously hated him now. Why would he stay? And Harry needed to cut, how could he do that without Draco knowing now. Maybe Draco wouldn't care anymore?

"No, Harry. I'm not going to leave, how can I bloody leave knowing you'll cut yourself to shreds the minute I walk out that door? I didn't save your life for you to kill yourself because you feel like shit." Draco's words where harsh, but Harry could hear the pain underneath them.

It broke Harry's heart all over again. Draco seemed to know him so well, how had he known Harry would cut when he left? That wasn't the most important question though. Why would Draco decide to stay in the dorm just to keep Harry from cutting?

Draco hated him now. Didn't he? Well, of course he did. Harry had been a right bastard to him, and now Harry had hurt him and made himself dirty. So why would Draco stay? It must be his conscience, Draco couldn't leave knowing someone would be hurt. He was too good of a person.

This needed to stop. Draco couldn't keep sacrificing himself for Harry. But how could Harry stop that happening, if Draco felt he needed to protect Harry. Draco was just too good to let himself let go of Harry as long as Harry struggled.

The answer came to Harry: he had to recover. He hated the thought, because he felt like he didn't deserve it, now less than ever. Draco deserved not to have a crazy room mate though. He deserved to not be constantly scared of being blamed for Harry's potential suicide and being sent back to Azkaban. He deserved to be free to leave the dorm, and not sit around babysitting Harry. Draco deserved to be happy, and the best way for that to happen was for Harry to recover so Draco could feel free to live his life.

The answer wasn't too hard to get to, it was the whole actually recovering that worried Harry. He had no idea how to do it. He didn't think he could ever be fully recovered. But maybe he could recover well enough that he could think logically again, and that he could function well enough that Draco didn't have to worry.

Maybe he could talk to Remus? He knew the offer still stood, and he also knew Remus had experience with it all. It still felt weird though, because despite everything, Remus was his teacher.

He could always owl Ron or Hermione. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't spoken to either of them since he got out of the hospital. They had respected Harry's wish to be alone for a while, but maybe he was ready to get in contact again? It felt more right to talk to someone his own age, he didn't think he was ready to tell Ron yet. He had no idea how he would react. Ron and Hermione were his family though, writing them just seemed right.

Harry decided on writing Hermione and see how she felt about it, maybe he could even ask her if he should tell Ron too.

Harry grabbed a quill and some parchment from his drawer and started writing.

_Dear Hermione,_

_I'm sorry for not writing sooner, but I really needed some time to take everything in._

_I think life has decided to throw everything I missed while I was in the coma at me at once though._

_I'm really confused and I don't know what to do._

_I know it's not normal for me to ask for help or advice like this, but I don't think I can do this on my own anymore._

_You and Ron are my oldest friends so I truly hope this isn't too much to ask of you, if it is please just let me know and I'll find some other way._

_Writing this down is really difficult for me, but I feel you have the right to know before you decide to continue being my friend._

_Ok, so first off. I'm gay, I'm gay for Draco Malfoy of all people, and I think he likes me too. Or he did anyways._

_The thing is, I'm also kinda depressed. I've been struggling with this for quite some time, and I honestly feel that I deserve to feel this way._

_The thing is that I realise I'm hurting Draco, and possibly everyone else I know by feeling this way, and thinking this way._

_My thoughts doesn't make any sense. I don't even know if I'll ever work up the courage to send this letter, but I have to try!_

_The thing is that I slept with someone, or I let some guy fuck me. It all made sense at the time, but now I don't know why I did it at all._

_That really hurt Draco, he said he loved me, but now he thinks I hate him, and he probably hates me._

_I'm so very sorry to burden you with my problems, but I keep hurting people and it needs to stop. Especially Draco._

_I've already hurt him so much, you know? He spent three fucking years in Azkaban because of my stupid depression._

_I suppose I should also tell you that I've kind of been cutting, and Draco knows._

_I think he feels that he have to protect me from myself, and that's not fair to him._

_So I've decided I need to recover, maybe not for myself, but for him. And for you and Ron (If you'll still have me)._

_You are the smartest person I know so if anyone knows what I need to do it's you._

_I really hope knowing all this about me won't keep you from being my friend, but I understand if it does._

_Again, I'm sorry._

_Harry_

Harry read through the letter, it was rubbish, it really was. Some parts of it was very formal, and others where very childish. Writing it had still been somewhat therapeutic though. He didn't feel the desperate need to cut anymore. Maybe telling people, getting it off his chest was the right way to go?

All Harry knew was that he had to stop hurting Draco, and the only way he could do that was to recover. That way Draco would be able to move on without feeling guilty. It broke Harry's heart, but he knew there was no way Draco would want to be with him now. And recovering, unfortunately, included asking for help.

Harry slowly tried to get out of bed, he needed to owl his letter before he lost his nerve. Hedwig would probably be in the owlery by now. Ron had kept her while he was in a coma, but she had a way of finding her way back to him.

Harry was relieved when he was able to stand up and walk a few steps without throwing up or the room spinning too much. His arse hurt when he walked, but he had never had too much trouble dealing with pain.

"Where are you going?" Draco was looking at him, there where still tears on his cheeks and he still looked mad. Harry assumed he had fallen asleep earlier, but apparently he had been listening. Making sure Harry didn't hurt himself. A small glimmer of hope arose in Harry, maybe there was hope for them? He quickly crushed that thought though. Hope only lead to disappointment. Especially when he already KNEW he had ruined all hope for them.

"I need to owl this letter. I'm really sorry Draco, for hurting you. I don't hate you, not at all. I'm going to try my best not to hurt you again! I'm going to do my best to recover. Somehow me getting what I deserve always ends up with someone else getting hurt. I'm so sorry."

Harry walked out the door before Draco had time to respond, he didn't know what he would say, but Harry didn't think he was ready to hear it.

Harry met a lot of students going to lunch on his way to the owlery, he had skipped way too many classes this year already. It was a miracle he hadn't gotten in trouble for it. Remus must have spoken to his other teachers about him. Harry didn't know how to feel about that. He considered it before he decided he didn't care.

He made his way to the owlery and called Hedwig. Then he froze. Did he really dare send the letter? Telling Hermione, and asking for her help was a big deal. What if she didn't want to help? What if she tried, and Harry was just too far gone?

Hedwig seemed to notice his hesitation, because instead of waiting for Harry to attach the note to her foot she swooped over and grabbed his letter in her beak, and then swiftly flew off. The bird had always been too bloody smart.

Harry stood looking after her until he couldn't see her anymore. He didn't know if he was thankful or angry. He knew he was nervous though, very nervous indeed.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Hi I'm sorry it's been so long since my last update. Both me and my beta has been really busy. I also realise this chapter is very short, but it felt like a natural place to end it. My amazing beta has gone over the previous chapters of this story, so the writing in them should be improved. Thanks to Kitten in the Shadows! **

**Chapter 7**

Harry was scared. A week had gone by since he sent the letter to Hermione and he hadn't heard anything from her yet. He didn't know if she was researching before answering, or if she had just decided he wasn't worth it. Harry was so tired of always living on eggshells, always wondering when people would give up on him. He was tired of feeling like a burden to everyone.

Harry hadn't spoken to anyone of his fellow students this week, except when some fifth year Slytherin asked him to pass the sauce. He hadn't spoken to Draco either. Harry knew he was a coward, but he had been avoiding Draco like the plague. He didn't want to have to deal with anything at all.

The one thing he had been doing right was school. He'd attended all his classes, and turned in the paperwork he had missed. It was a good distraction from everything. The truth was that Harry was scared. He had never planned on getting as old as he was now, he always imagined Voldemort would kill him, and later he thought he would do it himself.

Now that Harry had decided to live he was terrified, he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. If he was honest, he didn't want to do anything. Harry didn't want to live, he was staying alive because he didn't want to hurt or inconvenience others. Harry was lost on what to do, he would graduate Hogwarts in not too long. Would he stay to sit his NEWTs? Would he get a job? And doing what? Harry didn't think he would like anything, and he didn't thing he'd be good at anything either.

Thoughts of the future, jobs, failure and everything else swirled around Harrys head and he was terrified. All he wanted to do was die. Harry had been cutting himself daily, he knew he had promised himself to stop, but he just couldn't do it. He would sit awake for hours, too triggered to sleep, trying not to cut and then ending up doing it anyway. Each night he'd wake up with blood on his bedsheets, that by night had been changed so that Harry could dirty another pair with his blood.

He wasn't cutting his arms anymore though, he was cutting his thighs. That way Draco wouldn't be too suspicious, because Harry never really bothered to hide his arms in the dormitory anymore. Draco had seen all his cuts there anyways. It was different, cutting his thighs. In some ways he liked it better, he could cut deeper without worrying about damaging anything seriously. In other ways he didn't like it too much; the cut's bleed much less on his thighs.

It was Friday now, thank Merlin. Harry walked out of his history of magic class, realising he had spent the entire lesson thinking about the previous week instead of paying attention. Oh well. All the other students were heading towards the great hall for dinner, but Harry knew Draco would be there, so he didn't really want to go.

Thinking about it, Harry realised he had avoided all the meals that day. He really should get something to eat, it wouldn't do to faint or something in the middle of the common room. Harry decided to go down to the Hogwarts kitchen, maybe he could say hi to Dobby as well.

Harry tickled the green pear, suddenly wanting to go straight to his dormitory. He didn't really want to eat, he deserved to feel hungry. Just as he was about to turn around the doors opened, and Dobby came running at him.

"Harry Potter, hello mr. Harry Potter sir. You came to see Dobby. Dobby is so honored. Does Mr. Harry want anything to eat, sir?" Dobby said while taking a deep bow.

He straightened up and smiled insecurely at Harry.

"Now that Harry Potter is here, Dobby really needs to talk to him sir. Please come with me."

Harry realised he hadn't said anything after entering the kitchen, but Dobby didn't seem to mind. He grabbed Harrys hand and dragged him to the far end of the room. He waited for Harry to sit on one of the pillows there, before sitting down himself. Harry took of his robes, glad he had put on a glamour that day so he could sit in his T-shirt, the kitchen was very hot. Soon after a house elf came with a tray of sandwiches.

"Dobby must not treat a master like this, like a friend, it's wrong it is," she (or so Harry assumed) muttered to herself.

"Dobby is my friend, it's not wrong at all!" Harry told her, feeling the need to protect Dobby. The house elf just shook her head, but Dobby beamed at him.

The smile didn't last long though, suddenly Dobby was wearing an expression as troubled as he had in Harrys second year at Hogwarts.

"Harry Potter, I really must ask..."

"HARRY JAMES POTTER, there you are. I've been searching the entire castle for you. I went to the Great Hall, then the Gryffindor common rooms, only to learn you were sorted into Slytherin, which is fine by the way," here Hermione had to draw a breath. "Then I had to find Malfoy and have him take me to your dormitory, and you weren't there either. Thank Merlin I found your map, or I'd been searching for you forever."

Harry was stunned. Hermione was here. He really had no idea what to say, had she gotten the letter?

"Yes Harry I got your letter, but I chose not to reply as you CLEARLY don't know how to use an owl. How did you suppose the letter would survive the flight from Scottland to London without any magical protection? There is a reason we tie the letters to the owls feet you know, they have a impervius charm on them. Poor Hedwig was exhausted from carrying the letter in her beak, and the letter was almost entirely ruined."

Hermione seemed to have calmed down somewhat during her rant. She now tossed the letter at Harry. He could see only the first few lines had survived the flight, not enough to tell Hermione what was going on, but enough that she knew it was something.

"Dear Hermione,

I'm sorry for not writing sooner, but I really needed some time to take everything in.

I think life has decided to throw everything I missed while I was in the coma at me at once though.

I'm really confused and I don't know what to do.

I know it's not normal for me to ask for help or advice like this, but I don't..."

Was all Harry was able to make out, the rest of the letter had been ruined by what Harry assumed was rain. He suddenly felt nauseous, he would have to tell Hermione?

He stood up, and was about to open his mouth to say something, just because he felt like he had to, when he was trapped in Hermione's arms. Her bushy hair all over his face.

"It's good to see you again Harry, I'm so glad you've decided to talk to me about what's troubling you. I know you wanted some space, but I was scared me and Ron where giving you too much of it. We love you Harry, no matter what" Hermione sounded like she was close to crying, and Harry was touched and reassured of her friendship.

"Ok, sit down. I'll tell you everything." He said, sitting down on his pillow again. He was nervous, he didn't really know where to start. Maybe same place as the letter.

Hermione sat down and waited patiently for Harry to gather his thoughts and start talking.

"Ok, so I'm kinda not.. Uhm, I'm gay." Harry was too nervous to say anything before he could see Hermione's reaction. She just smiled.

"I know Harry, I'm glad you finally realised. But that's not what you wanted to talk about, is it?" She said knowingly.

Harry was taken back, she knew? Why did Hermione have to know everything?

"You... you knew?" He asked. "Why didn't you tell me? And if you seem to know everything why are you asking me to tell you whats wrong?!"

Harry wasn't really mad, he was just scared. He didn't want to tell Hermione, but now it was too late to back out. It terrified him, so he was lashing out.

"Harry, I didn't tell you because when you fell into the coma you where 15, it would only have confused you. And besides, sexuality is something people need to find out for themselves. And I don't know what's bothering you, I just know it's something, so please tell me?"

How could Harry push her away when she was so nice, and made so much sense? But he didn't want to tell her about the depression or self harm. He was too scared.

"I'm just confused. Because I only just realised I was gay when I also realised I like Draco, and we kinda sucked each other of. And it was amazing, but I was scared so I pushed him away, but now I know I love him and I can't have him." Harry hoped this would be enough of an excuse for the letter he had sent.

Hermione seemed to buy it, putting on her thinking face trying to think of a solution for him.

"Harry, it's great that you've found someone to love, and I really think that if you just told Dra.."

"Mr. Harry Potter sir?" Dobby interrupted. Harry had completely forgotten he was even there.

"Mr Harry, I also think it's nice that the master has found a love, but Dobby has to ask where all the blood comes from?"

Harry was mortified, Dobby had been the one changing his sheets? Putting clean ones on each day only to find them blood covered the next? And now he would tell Hermione?

Hermione looked at him and noticed his expression, she apparently deemed him unfit to answer any questions and turned to Dobby.

"What do you mean all the blood Dobby, what blood?" She sounded worried now, and Harry knew it was only seconds until his secret was revealed. Yet, there was nothing he could do about it.

"Every day Dobby changes mister Harrys sheets, and every day there is new blood on them. Dobby is oh so worried. Dobby was just about to ask master Harry about it when his friend came." Dobby hung his head. "Dobby is sorry for telling masters secret, but Dobby is so worried about his friend"

Harry was still in shock, how would he explain the blood to Hermione? He barley realised Dobby had directed the last sentence at him. Luckily, Hermione answered for him.

"It's perfectly alright Dobby, it was the right thing to do. Can you let me speak to Harry alone now please?" Hermione's voice was very calm, just a little too calm.

Dobby nodded at Hermione, smiled sadly at Harry and then left to help the other elves with the dishes.

Now Harry had Hermiones full attention, but he was still frozen. Terrified. He saw Hermione reach into her robes and get out her wand. He flinched, would she hex him? He closed his eyes.

"Finite incantatem," she said firmly.

Harry could feel his glamours fading away, he was suddenly very aware that he had taken of his robes and was now in his t-shirt. He also knew the bruise on his face the stranger in the bar had left would show up. He was reaching for his robes when Hermione grabbed one of his arms.

"Oh Harry."


End file.
